Masakatsu Agatsu - True Victory is Self Mastery

This year to date has been the most devastating of my life.

In March I lost my beloved mother Freda, suddenly and unexpectedly. It was a bolt from the blue; one minute she was there, the following morning she was gone. No warning, no pain, just eternal sleep.

From that moment my life changed forever. I found mum and tried in vain to revive her, but I knew inside that it was too late, but you just allow the body to kick in and you react like an automaton. My howls of despair reverberated around the house and the emptiness that I felt was overwhelming. Everything I did after that was as if on autopilot.

My grief was immediate and debilitating.

When my beloved father Graeme passed away with cancer in 2002, we were expecting it, waiting for him to succumb to his illness, trying to remain supportive for the family. He passed with courage and dignity, fighting to the end but at the same time accepting of his fate. He was the bravest man I knew. It took me ten months to finally collapse from grief having tried to be strong for the rest of my family and especially my mum.

When my surviving parent, my beloved mum passed away, I was left desolate and alone and my grief was, and continues to be, deep and everlasting. The bereavement destroyed me and continues to fight with me on a daily basis.

Since my father died my mother and I have co-existed in adjoining homes, sharing daily meals and companionship in the evenings. She was an intelligent and thoughtful lady with a heart of gold and compassion that would envelop you. This has made her passing more painful than I could have ever imagined. She left so suddenly that I have not had time to make any sense of it. I am lost and alone in my thoughts, berating myself when I cannot 'hear' mum's voice. I feel so sad that I cry even while writing this blog. 

She was my mum, my friend, my counsel, a wise lady with the empathy of a guru and the heart of a lioness. She was outwardly shy, quiet and studious but was highly intelligent and her conversations were deep and meaningful, especially when she recalled the war years, living under the occupation of enemy forces in the island of her birth. She was the quiet strength behind my father's more outward and public persona, and this strength allowed him to flourish in the employ of our government as a Chief Officer (civil servant head of department) for forty years while being completely sightless.

For many years I have tried to explain the meaning of a japanese phrase to my aikido students; masakatsu agatsu, roughly translated as 'true victory is self mastery'. I was talking about student retention and often say that the study of aikido makes you look in the mirror where you get an honest and real reflection of your self. Those that cannot deal with what they see often walk away. Those that confront what they see will strive to 'polish the blade' and make improvements to their lives so that they can be true to themselves.

I have not practised what I preach and for that I apologise unreservedly to my students. 

In 2009 after a lifetime of denial, I finally confronted the 'elephant in the room' ie me. Ever since I was five years old I knew that there was something in me that was wrongly wired. I spent years not understanding what I was feeling right up until the age of sixteen when a book I bought finally allowed me to complete the jigsaw.

Over the years since I read that book from cover to cover (My Story by Caroline Cossey) I had been trying to suppress who I really was but every time I thought I was 'cured' the feelings came back even stronger.

I now acknowledge that I should have accepted who I was inside and relieved myself of so much fighting and inner turmoil that has blighted my life. 

In 2009 I finally accepted who and what I was; a transsexual, ie a person who has an inherent belief that their brain sex and body sex are incongruent; born physically male but internally with the brain functionality of a female. 

For years I had immersed myself in male dominated sports, a macho career and had girlfriends, although most relationships ended in abject failure. I took up a male dominated world of martial arts, but I could even get that right; wanting to do karate and somehow being given the contact details for aikido (I did not know the difference in the early days). I even ended up getting married at the age of 41 but that too ended in disaster. I now know why.

I sought out a gender specialist in London and set about being true to myself. Later that year I was diagnosed and commenced hormone therapy, changed my name by Deed Poll in the Royal Court of Jersey and set about planning my transition, the part of the procedure where one is required to live day-to-day life in one's acquired gender. This I undertook by attending the annual Jersey Sports Association for the Disabled Dinner in November 2010 as Roisin for the first time and never changed back.

I have been fortunate enough that I haven't lost a student because of my change and I have had what can be described as a fairly easy transition in both my work, public and aikido life.
A good friend told me that, 

"if you present as if you belong like everyone else, which you do, nobody will bother you"

Jersey is too small a place to not be known, especially as I used to be a well known police officer and martial arts instructor and so going "stealth*" as a transgendered woman would have been impossible.

(*stealth is the word used for transgendered people who live and work as their acquired gender without anybody knowing their past medical/personal history)

My mother's death was a defining moment in my life. Behind the grief there is a desire to do what is right for me and to live a life that is congruent to the way that I feel. I have to trust my instincts and go with what is right for me and my existing family.

I can finally look at myself in the mirror and start to feel at one with who I am. I am far from calling mine a victory over myself but I have a lot more understanding of the phrase:

Masakatsu Agatsu.

With love to my sister Christine, brother-in-law Mick and nephews Adrian and Russell.
Dedicated to the memory of my parents, Graeme & Freda Pitman

AIKIDO is all WIND..........and WATER

When I first met Shihan Francis Ramasamy in a hotel lobby at the Holiday Inn in Johor Bahru, Malaysia, this diminutive but hyperactive aikidoka, standing barely five feet tall in his stockinged feet was immediately offering advice on my failing sight and the medical complications that come with my condition. He had numerous people waiting to be introduced but he asked for patience as he administered advice he believed would help alleviate some of the pain that he sensed that I was in. I didn't tell him of this constant pain but he recognised it empathically. This was my first impression of this enigmatic martial artist; a caring and compassionate man with time for everyone.

I have read many books over the years about aikido from the great and the good but one book resonated with me all those years ago; Aikido and the Harmony of Nature by Mitsugi Saotome (published by Shambhala Publications Inc.). In Francis Ramasamy of Pilau Penang, Malaysia, I had found a master who translated that harmony with nature into a real life experience.

I have been studying aikido now for thirty four years and Ramasamy Shihan (affectionately known as Samy Shihan) was able to encompass the elements of nature into everyday practices to make aikido come alive. I have had many good aikido instructors, from the physically strong and imposing, to the ultra technical and gifted. Meeting Samy Shihan knitted everything together and became a defining moment in my studies. To me, I had found the true essence of my aikido.

These thoughts came flooding back the other day when I found myself atop a granite beach wall in the middle of a meditation after a strenuous Nordic walk around the country lanes and beaches of my beautiful place of birth. With eyes gently closed and with my one point being attuned to the music playing in my head (Gardar Thor Cortes, a superb tenor from Iceland if memory serves), my body was being constantly buffeted by the increasingly strong southeasterly winds. In turn this increased the maelstrom swirling in the incoming tide, visually creating the beautiful white horses in the surf. The powerful sound of the sea that accompanied Cortes's melody complimented it perfectly and sent me deeper into myself.

As I felt the wind buffeting my body and caressing my face I understood both the power and gentleness of aikido, from a soft summer breeze that nourishes and uplifts and is gentle with nature, to a wind of explosive power that can be destructive and deadly. These are the parameters that we work with every day, creating a fine balance in life. In the summer we welcome the gentle warm breeze that cools us down during oppressively hot days; it feels wonderful and is welcomed openly. We come alive, with eyes wide open and our body extending to meet it. Alternatively in the winter as we walk into a strong and biting wind we hunch our bodies and turn our faces in the eye of this bitter, strong and explosive onslaught. It chills us to the bone and we seek shelter from its power. 

Samy Shihan also emphasised the use of the water element in our aikido study manifested in the turning techniques. He instilled in me the importance of being the calm presence in the middle of the storm; remaining serene as all rushed about and around me. Water always finds a way around an obstacle, whether it be a rock or a person it will not lose any of its flowing beauty as it diverts around and over any obstacle. 

However, we must also remember that while the fluidity of the water allows it to flow around structures, in many cases it also gently erodes away at the permanent monoliths that are sharing its space, such as the coastline. We have seen recently in England, during this winter period, the devastation and changing outline of our lands caused by the relentless tides over many thousands of years. This reminds us that while the water shows great dexterity, it also shows supreme power and strength, all the things we must aspire to attain through a lifetime's aikido study.

Respect is a Two Way Street

There have been many instances where you hear on the news that someone has been assaulted on the street for not showing enough 'respect' to the assailant. Ah, this old fashioned word being used by some of the street dwellers because they believe that their mere presence on a street in their neighbourhood means that anyone passing through has to show a degree of deference to them for no other reason that they 'demand' it, neigh, expect it.

When I was growing up we learned respect from an early age; respect for one's elders, respect for your teachers, respect for the police. This magical word 'respect' was used to show due deference to people with life experience, local standing or positions of authority. I was taught to give up my seat on a bus for an adult, not just an elderly or disabled passenger but any adult. All teachers at school were Sir or Miss, never John or Sarah. In many cases this tradition continued many years after leaving one's alma mater. We didn't question this life lesson given at the knee of our parents, it was just the way it was.

I have run a martial arts club since 1987 when I was a 1st Kyu. The reasoning behind this was that, as we had no black belt to take instruction from within the island, I would travel to the home of my English mentor on a regular basis and would be encouraged to begin teaching aikido classes to those that were happy to take instruction from a non-black belt. I didn't even think about whether the students who trained with me in the early days respected me. I suppose in some way they must have, given that they kept coming back for more classes, but the idea that they somehow respected me, didn't enter into my thoughts. I did however respect them greatly for giving me the chance to share my interpretation of aikido. Indeed I respect any person who walks through the dojo door to undertake instruction and the sharing of aikido practise with me. I am merely a student like them but one who is a little further along the path. After all, the word sensei means "one who is born before", which implies one who teaches based on wisdom gained from age and experience.

I have never asked for or expected any student in my dojo to call me 'sensei'. My name is Roisin or Rosh. However, many students do refer to me by that title although I have never insisted upon it. They may have been schooled by other senior students to refer to me in that manner but it has never been a dojo 'rule'. I leave it up to them.

When visiting instructors are on the tatame in my dojo I will personally always refer to them as 'sensei' whether they be senior or junior to me in grade as I think it is the right way to address them in front of my students. Respect is earned and should never be demanded.

There have been dojos that I have visited, not just aikido ones, where they appear to be trying to mimic the atmosphere of their interpretation of an austere style Japanese dojo in the way that everyone behaves and conducts their business. No talking, no explanations, often taking their interpretation of such a 'dojo' and ratcheting it up a notch or two. Some have even been known to change their names by deed poll to that of a Japanese family name just, in their eyes, to add to the authenticity. This is obviously in the minority but it does happen.

I have witnessed (from another art) a group of visiting teachers in the bar of a local hotel deep in conversation when a new and enthusiastic student inadvertently entered their clique and proceeded to join in the conversation. Presumptuous, possibly, rude, probably, but if my opinion maybe he should have been quietly taken to one side by a senior student and reminded of what social etiquette dictates. Instead, the senior guy at the bar shouted at this poor unfortunate newbie in front of dozens of other people and commanded him to drop to the floor and 'give me 20' (ie twenty press ups, in a licensed bar, while wearing his best suit). The new student visibly reddened and quickly dropped to the floor where his utter humiliation was complete. This is not showing respect to your student. This was bullying and has no place in a dojo or in any social situation.

As a 'sensei', a person with more life experience and wisdom that those that follow, you have a tremendous influence upon some peoples' lives so be sure that you never abuse that privilege.

And remember, Respect is a Two Way Street. 

Clarity of Mind

CLARITY OF MIND

A rush of humility surges through

Our very being,

With heightened senses,

Our world has come alive.

Idyllic therapy

With the touch of an angel,

The power of God,

Overwhelms.

Love for all mankind we seek,

O-Sensei’s legacy lives;

Coursing through the veins

Of honourable people.

Illuminating the path we tread,

The two majestic warriors;

Complex, complimentary,

Creative, compassionate.

Through the eyes of a child,

We thirst for the truth;

Egos buried far from the purity

Of the oxygen that nourishes us.

Friendships forged across religious divides,

In the sweat of battle we fight to conquer

The adversary that confronts us -

Our own reflection.

Stations of the mind aroused,

The sub conscious eager to devour;

With mental libraries expanding,

Creating new horizons.

Urban warriors suffer,

Ills of the modern battlefield,

The chosen few cleansed,

By the caress of Mushin.

The beauty of nature abounds,

Translated to human endeavour;

Harnessing the elements,

This Clarity of Mind.

Look at the Ability not the Disability

I was brought up in a household with a totally blind father, to me a normal state of affairs. My father was an extraordinary man, a trailblazer for other sightless people and my hero. I was often asked at school by my friends what it was like to have a father who couldn't see. My answer was always the same; that I did not know what it was like to have a father that could see.

I did not feel that I missed out on anything as a child. My father played with me, laughed with me, even cried with me. The only difference was that his sight was internalised. When he felt objects he was able to visualise them in great detail. He had a knack of appearing to look you straight into the eyes to such a degree that many who spoke to him did not realise that he was without this important sense.

My father grew up at a time when disability was hidden away as an inconvenience, disabled people were to be pitied and patronised. He broke the mould and challenged society's thinking. Fighting like a pit bull he took on convention and smashed it, rising to senior levels in Jersey's civil service, despite many obstacles being placed in his way. He gained huge respect as well as much jealousy. Some people just could not cope with a successful disabled person, sad but true. My father, after whom our dojo is named, was a remarkable man. His steely determination, quick wit and intelligence made him a formidable figure. He did not suffer fools gladly but, having chewed you up and spat you out during a debate, would then more than likely buy you a drink later. He never bore grudges.

It was inevitable perhaps that I was going to gravitate towards receiving disabled students into the Phoenix School, especially when, I too, became visually impaired in 1990. After thirty two operations I was left partially sighted with the same rogue gene that debilitated my father. It was another ten years before I became involved with the Jersey Sports Association for the Disabled and its founder/Chairman Paul Patterson. My father had been invited to give some much needed advice to a then teenage Paul when he had a problem with his own sight. His main piece of advice was that Paul should complete his education which would allow for more scope when he was of working age. Now things have come full circle and Paul and me are now intrinsically linked through disability sport.

Now as I look out across the dojo I see able bodied and disabled students training together, being taught by a disabled Sensei. At this moment I am often reminded of my father's mantra, "Look at the A-bility not the Dis-Ability." Never a truer word said.

Why So Much Disharmony while Espousing the 'Way' of Loving Ki?

Professor Ueshiba eventually gave his studies the name, aikido, the Way (do) of harmony/love (ai) with ki. He espoused the oneness with the universe, bringing people together with love through aikido rather than leading them to destruction. Also known as the art of non confrontation, why in many areas has aikido throughout the world become so fragmented?

It is inevitable that once the source of an art passes his teachings on to others, then that art become diluted and takes on the mantle and thought processes of the next teacher and so on ad infinitum. This is a natural process and, as long as the foundations and fundamental beliefs of aikido are maintained, is also a healthy way to develop the art.

I have heard from many aikido people throughout the world who claim to teach and practise the art the way that Ueshiba Sensei taught it. My question to you is this; "At what point in O-Sensei's life does your aikido belong?" Many people staunchly and rigidly adhere to a particular perceived 'style' of aiki but perhaps do not realise that for their aikido to progress it needs to naturally evolve. It is possible to remain true to your particular style of aikido, be it Yoshinkan, Shin Shin Toitsu, Iwama ryu etc and still be responsible for its natural evolution. Everything needs to flow naturally, continuously, like a fast flowing stream. It can never be allowed to stand still and stagnate.

Leading a school or organisation that has a major influence over many students brings with it huge responsibility. You are in a position of trust which should never be abused. Unfortunately some teachers allow this to go to their head.

During my aikido life, since 1980, I have walked away from two national aikido organisations, not due to artistic differences, but because persons in positions of influence, supposedly claiming to live and practise by the higher ideals of aikido, were building personal fiefdoms from which to exert unhealthy influence over others, including the vulnerable. Sometimes these people receive fawning adulation and subservience from their subjects, often without question, giving them tremendous influence over students' lives both on and off the mat.

In the past I have been asked, and will continue to be asked, by students, if they can attend courses organised by othere aikido associations. I will always grant permission and see it purely as a courtesy request by the students. We should expose ourselves to aikido teachings from everywhere; some we will relate to and assimilate, others we will choose not to follow. However, we should all feel invigorated and thankful for the chance to share aikido with others. I have never understood a club's stance in barring students from attending a seminar just because it is being organised by a different group. If you are that insecure about your own ability that you seek to exert absolute control over your students, then you have no place in aikido.

As the famous quotation by John Emerich Edward Dalberg Acton, first Baron Acton (1834–1902) goes:
"Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely."

The Dojo Is Not The Street !

A dojo is, to all intents and purposes a classroom, a place of enlightenment, somewhere to study your martial art, practise movement and technique and share your experience with others. However, the dojo is not the street.

No matter how many martial arts classes claim to teach 'street self defence' in essence you are usually getting a watered down version of the martial art offered by that particular school and paired with the instructors own belief on what is required outside the dojo in a 'real life' situation. There are many martial arts instructors throughout the world, who are highly skilled and proficient in their chosen art, who have never experienced the 'fear' and 'danger' of a REAL life violent altercation.

It amuses me somewhat, when visiting certain martial arts forums on the world wide web, when you read posts claiming that this martial art is 'the best' for combat and that martial art is no good because it is not 'real'. You get phrases like 'No holds barred' and 'no rules' martial arts. If there is a combat area, ring or cage with a referee, then it is not, nor ever will be 'no holds barred'. Even for this type of popular sport as in all MMA (mixed martial arts) contests there are rules that both fighters have to abide by. Often an opponent 'taps out' meaning that when a lock, choke or technique becomes unbearable they 'tap' to indicate to their opponent and the referee that they can no longer continue. The referee then stops the fight. Therefore, these types of contests are controlled by a third person ie the referee and are not a 'no holds barred' contest. If you take a 'no holds barred' contest literally, it will mean that the protagonists fight on until one is either incapacitated or killed; no holds barred means no rules. This would never happen in any organised sporting arena, especially in this litigation crazy health and safety era.

There are many martial arts that are competitive and therefore, during sparring or competition, the element of adrenaline is introduced to the equation. Being able to control the adrenaline flow during competition is paramount if you are to perform to your maximum potential. However, the adrenaline flow that pumps during a real altercation is what I would refer to as the 'Fear Factor'. It is a natural reaction that heightens the senses and prepares the physical body for a 'fight' or 'flight' scenario. If you can control it then you will have more chance to react naturally and instinctively to such a situation. If that reaction is that you run away in the face of a potentially violent altercation then you have succeeded in avoiding confrontation. If you panic and start hyperventilating you may not be able to function in a normal physical way. None of this can be re-created in the dojo, as it is impossible to introduce the element of reality. The dojo is a place of safety no matter how hard the sparring or training becomes.

In a competitive martial arts contest, even though the adrenaline of competition is flowing, each of the contestants know that the other will be conforming to the same set of rules as laid down by the organising body. On the street, you do not have that luxury, as physical altercations are wildly unpredictable and can include the use of weapons or ordinary objects adapted for use as weapons. There is also the possibility that there will be more than one assailant. The street has NO rules.

In an aikido dojo you practise movement, technique, breathing, internalisation and blending with a partner and all of these things assist us in our general health and wellbeing. Techniques are practised repeatedly in a ritualised format to help the student learn to eventually react to different movements without having to think; to have a clear mind under pressure, a state of Mushin. The only missing element in the dojo, in any dojo, is 'reality'.

As a person who has worked on the street in law enforcement for over a decade I have witnessed how different people react under pressure, both civilians and police personnel. Sometimes, the most capable exponent in the dojo is the one that cannot handle the element of realism on the street. Martial arts give us the tools, knowledge and capability to react effectively but ultimately it is down to the individual and how they utilise those tools.